Best ned put down I’ve ever had “Aye get some shoes & then I’ll talk to ye
Gentile Edinburgh Yoof
So, my wife & I were carrying some step ladders through Edinburgh close to midnight on Friday when I encountered some chip eating yoofs on a staircase, who politely moved out of our way doffing caps & curtseying.
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On passing by one cheeky scamp inquired “Hey you, Mr. with the ladder! Why are you carrying that ladder”, “That, my young greasy friend is none of your business” I replied. He looked like he was going to cry and squeaked “I was just interested” so I took pity on him & told him what my ladder business was & he sounded genuinely interested.
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Now picture this transported to this fair city:
“Haw you ya fanny, gies yer ladder”
“Eh, naw”
“Right, ladder-man, you’re deid!”
Spider Penguin!
Fragrant Guffery
Time for the perfume ads…sigh. That’s a sexy, lingering whispered sigh by the way. A sigh only a whisp of a human can make.
Why, WHY do ad companies think that whispering the name of their headache inducing fragrances make them all the more alluring? If spoken out loud do they lose all mystique?
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Perhaps, let’s examine:
(set in perfume store of choice, let’s say Savers - sauchiehall street)
Male: Whit kind de ye waaant fur christmas?
Female: Whit’s that wan that they whisper on the telly? the wan wi the skinny lassie oan it?
Male: They’re all skinny, who ye on about?
Female: You know, the wan that cannae act, the wan wi the mouth. Think it’s chanel maybe
Male: I don’t know who yer on about, never mind wit channel it was oan.
Female: CHANEL!!!
Male: I TELT YE…..$%^%$
Female: I said CHANEL YA MUPPET!
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Hmmm, maybe they have a point
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Or perhaps they floated the idea on a focus group of half deaf “IT-Kids”, with a hankering for limpness?
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Either way, it’s right annoying. What’s that you say? Speak up I can’t hear you? C’mon, flick that hair out of your eye’s, stop hugging the bottle and say it plainly! Nope, sorry still can’t quite make it out. Will you stop dancing in circles, you’ll make yourself dizzy. Now tell me what you’re on about…
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Let’s whisper it altogether now. 1,2,3…”I love to dance”. Aye whatever love. Eat some food, I can see your ribs.
For one month only…
So it’s that time of year again where the vast majority of us wonder hourly why the hell we still live in this god forsaken isle.
In a vain attempt to combat the bleak winter landscape of strewn umbrella corpses, festive punch ups, shrieking harpies & seasonal vultures. I have decided to build myself a little oasis of entertainment where I will, for one month only, post anything that makes me chuckle, cry, love, rant, generally feel anything but numbness.
Oh and stay tuned for the annual christmas cd/download comp & an archive of those gone by.
Turn on your SAD light and fetch me my tools.
